My Own (not so) Private Thoughts

Why have I been feeling so alone and lost lately? Is it because my professional life isn't exactly where I want it to be? Is it because I have so much going on right now that most times I feel paralyzed into inaction? Wait...that's a contradiction because you can't go "into" anything without some moving or sorts...
I second guess everything.
I do not feel anything I have done recently is adequate.
What's the real deal with me?
I'd better figure it out sooner than later 'cause I ain't getting any younger.

January has not been the smoothest transition into 2010 I'd hoped it would be. Some internal conflict, feeling directionless and worried about a soon-to-be driving son. Not to mention, I'm still unemployed, albeit working from home with the husband on his business. It's been nice -I've LOVED being home especially on beautiful days or days the kids have a lot of activities but it would also be nice to have some income of my own (if you know what I mean). So I'm doing the interview thing again (I HATE the interview thing) but at least THIS TIME, my bullsh*t bar is very low. I won't be taken again like I was for the former company, FOR REALS.

My husband has ideas of areas where he'd like me to concentrate in order to help support the business and most times they do not always align with what I like to do or would want to do. However, today he did actually come up with something that I thought, "Hmm...maybe."  Not sure I want to do it or if I'd be good at it (there goes that SECOND GUESSING thing again) but it IS something I dabble in currently in my spare (haha) time. But... if I don't try, I'll never know, right? I'll save this for another time.

On another note, I'm still very serious about wanting to do more photography, writing and drawing and have stumbled upon a site today that was SO inspiring - http://oneyearartjournal.blogspot.com/.

I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to do something like that every day. In fact, it's similar to what I'd hoped my second blog would be for me but I just fell short on motivation, not to mention time. So I will try it offline for now and see where it goes. If I feel like it's taking on a life of its own, then I will happily share with my blog friends.

Getting into the holiday spirit

From our family to yours...

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Montage

The kids have been up to a lot everything and nothing all at the same time...

In order: Nico in his Diwali outfit, Ava and me hanging on a lazy Sunday morning, Daddy with his Diva in training, Ava hide and seek with her brothers with a box (it's the little things...), and Christian and Justis playing checkers. C won but the same night, Just came back and whooped him. It was like an episode I recently saw of "Everybody Hates Chris." LOL

What is Wrong with my son?

Kids love to play dress up. Girls usually have trunks full of old clothes and shoes from mommy's closet and boys usually LOVE Halloween just so they can dress up.

Not my son.

My oldest boys LOVE Halloween. They have had Halloween plans with friends (parties, sleepovers, groups for trick or treating, etc.) for the past month or more. They love to get dressed up as "monsters" and crazy things. They have always enjoyed it. They even love getting all the candy but usually, they don't even eat it (thankfully so...it's alllll mine!)

My 3 year old is such a buzz kill. Last year he finally understood what Halloween was and we wanted to dress him up. He refused. Okay. We figured we could draw a fake moustache on him and he could go as a "Grown up" Nico. That worked for all of a minute before he rubbed it off. We ended up going to his school's Trunk or Treat gathering as...Nico. Dressed in the same clothes he went to school in. He was, of course, the only child not in a costume eating the candy as he received it.

I'm hoping this year will be different. He has said yesterday he wants to be Batman (sigh...really? So unimaginative) but hey, it's better than nothing right? My issue is, I would hate to buy it and then he refuse to wear it. You think I could return the costume the day after Halloween without people wondering if we're being cheap (wear and return)?

Another thing, SOMEHOW - and I am NOT sure how this worked out since we have two older boys in the house AND a mom and dad that love the creepy stuff -Nico gets scared easily. WTF? LOL. It's ridiculous. His Nana and Papa last week sent him a cute kid Halloween glow in the dark book and he complained that it scared him. ...He's since grown to enjoy the book, but why be afraid? It's all cute illustrations and happy monster faces. My child is ridiculous.

So I may or may not have pictures from Halloween to show you guys. On another note, at least I will have Ava...she's too young to protest. I'm thinking China doll but then...who knows what I actually end up running across by Halloween day.

What are your children being? What are your favorite kids' costumes? What was your favorite growing up?

Ready. Or not.

Finally I'm on the path to getting back to me. I started a new blog that is more about my artful side and less about family (not to say that family won't creep up in there occasionally. I DO have a pretty creative lot over here).

I plan for the site to be pretty raw (except the first post...it's pretty light), not a lot of candy coating which, to be truly creative is the way I think you have to be - unrepentant. It's scary because I will have to grow a very thick skin as to how people take it moving forward whether or not people like or appreciate my stuff and/or things that I like but that's just the way life goes doesn't it?

I'm not going to define it too much...I'm just going to go with the flow...Letting it be.

Ready. Or not.

Gap Casting Call

It's that time of year again where every hopeful family submits their incredibly cute tyke to the powers that be at GAP to validate for them what they already know is true which is "our baby is the cutest!".

I wish all the babies entered could win something but alas there is room for only one from each category can win. So go and sign your babies up! I look forward to oohing and ahhing over little ones I actually know! I'd sign Ava up but I'm a little worried about the brown-eyed, curly headed babies this time around: last year's winners were all brown eyed and 3 out of the four were curly headed...think next round will be the Blonde/Blue's turn.

But oh well. You never know! Good luck!

Circus

I came across this blog poles2engine purely by accident and wanted to share with you. I think he is either in the circus family or is a circus fanatic. Kind of interesting really.

Anyway, this blog just reminded me of a time when I was catching a very early flight on a business trip years ago and I met this very eccentric, yet lovely, young woman. I can't remember her name anymore (I barely remember names after 15 minutes of meeting someone...that pregnancy brain has some long-lasting effects...that or I'm just OLD) but I remember her being very interesting to talk to and she wasn't someone you'd normally just strike up a conversation with on your own. For some reason...I did.

She had long sandy brown hair some of it in long knotted twists on top with faded pink and green dye intertwined. She was wearing a very unique ensemble of patchwork, mismatched textures and patterns of a multitude of earth tones, reds, blues and white...but strangely for her - it worked. Her complexion was olive, she had dark green eyes and a demeanor that was slightly in line with Angelina Jolie. Very confident but a little guarded and a little curious. My new friend was apparently on hiatus but was a part of a balancing act for the circus. I'd never met anyone who worked in the circus before and I couldn't stop asking questions. She said it was in her blood - her family were all members of the circus and she couldn't imagine doing anything else. I wondered how she saw her later years in this profession, but apparently she had it all mapped out.

Amazing. To have that kind of passion and direction for a chosen career. As strange and as chance as the encounter was, after our conversation I left with a ton of respect for her (and for people of the circus). I wish I had only an ounce of the confidence she exuded. You really cannot judge a book by it's cover. Then you'd never know what surprises you're missing.

Hooray for the circus but...clowns...ummm...I still don't do clowns.

Hot Yoga Momma

I have been wanting to get back to doing yoga on a more frequent and consistent basis for some time now but with the onset of unemployment, it's kind of hard to justify using the money for classes when my favorite hot yoga establishment in the area is $18 a class or $155 for a month, unlimited.

If you don't know what hot, or Bikram yoga is (mine is called hot because technically I don't think it's Bikram. With Bikram, I believe, you have a set course of 26 Asana poses...with hot it's varied) - it's basically the most magical exercise on the face of the planet next to sex. It's like a religious experience. You perform yoga in a room that is from 98-105 degrees with 40-60% humidity for 60-90 minutes. I usually do the 90 and it feels SO good after you're done. You will come out looking like you've just stepped out of a shower, but with constant practice you will be so toned and "clear" it's not even funny.

I..IT.with a.Passion.

When I was going faithfully a few years back (about 2-3x a week), I noticed a positive change in my skin (I glowed), my mood (I was more serene in this chaotic world), the way I was feeling internally (more energy). I even slimmed down a few pounds. It was awesome! Everyone I have turned on to it has loved it. Two friends, loved it enough to go on their own a few more times without me.

Hot yoga isn't for everyone - for anyone who hates to sweat, doesn't like messing up their hair, doesn't like working out with no makeup on, anyone who is afraid of a little humidity...maybe it's best you stayed home.

Jason - being the wonderful husband that he is, found a special offer, a cheaper alternative to my favorite class because he knows I'm wanting to get back into it. Basically it's just yoga (no heat) for $59/unlimited for a month. I love the sentiment - that was SO SUPER SWEET OF HIM to think of me like that, but I don't think he really understands WHY I love my hot yoga so much. It's not just doing the exercise. For me, the heat adds a more spiritual component to the workout. Sort of like the Native American Sweat Lodge for spiritual purification of the mind, body and spirit. That's what I mean when I said earlier it felt like a religious experience. It truly IS like a religious experience.

I've felt so good in hot yoga, ya'll (I'm embarrassed to say) I have cried during a class. CRIED. As in tears, from the eyes. Fat ones. Rania does not cry. Not in public anyways. Thank goodness my face was covered with streaming sweat as we were well into the session, so no one could tell but when the Yoga instructor was telling me to release all the stress (I'd had a particularly bad day that day between work, the kids and men), release the tension, to be aware of my body and enjoy what goodness I was putting my body through - the tears were basically the stress exiting my body. It was amazingly cathartic.

Just typing all of this brings back the emotion and feeling I was having then. I HAVE TO get back to it. Even if it's just once a week, I have to participate again. If you have never enjoyed it, I urge you to. You'll love it.

Namaste